The Pit.
I think my biggest downfall is that I just can’t seem to get over the past. I mean, I hear a lotta people tell me: You can’t change the past; Focus on the present; Things change. But for me, those sayings just don’t stick. Because for me, the past is just as important as the present. It’s as important as the future. Where someone or something came from (their background, their life choices, their beliefs - whether they have stuck by them through the years or not) really effects how I interact with that person, and sometimes that can become a hindrance.
You see, I have a vivid imagination. If you give me a story, with a simple plot (sprinkle a few details if you’d like), I can recreate it in my head. For the details unknown/untold, I fill in my own thoughts - how the characters must’ve been acting (emotionally, physically, etc), the settings of the room, the actions occurring down to the very breathing of the characters. And because of this, the past comes to life.
As soon as a trigger is pulled, my mind makes connections and connections and connections, and soon, my mind is filled with a plot - characters are imagined, actions are reenacted in my head, and the world comes to life.
I won’t lie - sometimes, it’s good to have. I’m really never bored in my own little world. However, when the unpleasant past creeps into my door (like a thief in the night I suppose, stealing my happiness), I can’t stop it. The gears start turning, and within a second, I am thrust back into the past. I suppose, not all of it is accurate. For the blanks, I do fill them in with my mind (insert witty neuro insight here) and this new world overtakes me.
It consumes me.
Soon, I am at the mercy of the memory, of the story, of the event. And I am completely helpless against that. I can’t unthink these things. The feelings that must’ve been felt. The decisions that were made. Their faces. I can’t simply push this out of my head. Because this internal storytelling mechanism is part of me. In some sense, I feel like this is a way I look at the world. I use this me-world, where I am the creator, and attempt to make sense of the past.
It’s ironic really though because, for the painful memories, I am never able to change the outcome. Because, even if I am the creator, these “recreated past” events did happen in real life at some point, and my brain does realize that the ending isn’t always going to be a happy ever after. I’m not going to be able to write the ending in these reimagined events. When I watch these in my mind, it’s like watching a train travel towards unfinished tracks. You know what’s going to happen to the train, but you can’t stop it. The outcome is inevitable, and all I can do is go with the ride and hope I survive.
Don’t get me wrong. I love being able to reminisce about the happy events in life. But it is unfortunately the painful tales that consume me. They are the ones that haunt my dreams and overtake my conscience.
And I try to work on it. I think back to what other people tell me, and ask myself, “why can’t I move on?”
But I think that, for me, the past is part of the present. My present at least. Part of my future too perhaps (I say this with a heavy heart). Because when I pull that trigger and I am taken back, past and present mesh (with a generous side of imagination). The past does become my present in those moments, and even in moments after. It lingers on and infects my mind. It aches my soul. It breaks my heart.
I truly truly wish I could just stop myself. That there was some emergency off switch, and all I had to do was find it. But, ultimately, I know that this mechanism is a part of me. That as hideous of a behemoth it is, it is still part of me. It has been there in my past, my present, and will be in my future. And all I can really hope for is that no new painful memories will arise.
No more memories or stories that will make me ache in pain and consume my thoughts.
Still.
One day, I hope that it will be you who will help me tame this wild beast. That one day, I too can look at the past and say “the past is not what matters to me anymore; it is the now and the will be that concerns me most.” I sincerely do believe that, if anyone is out there who can help, it is you. You are faithful, loving, and are willing to sacrifice way too much for me at times.
And for those reasons, the scars that are left in me after each painful reminiscence slowly fades away. Sorry to say that it’s still there, and the pain lingers for far too long, but you are slowly mending me.
I calm down after these occurences because I remember who you are to me. The now. Our future. And all these thoughts mend my soul slowly but surely.
Progress may be very slow, but I hope you don’t mind. We have a lifetime to figure this out. And, with you, any obstacle can be overcome.
You’re my rock solid foundation, sharing in my burdens and pains.
And for that, I am always thankful.
